Sandwich in hand, I ran out my front door, yelling, “Go Shaylee!!! Go Shaylee!” My husband and I have been trying to teach her how to ride for the past 2 years. Shaylee would freak her self out before she would even pedal for a whole rotation and exclaim she “couldn’t do it” and would give up. But now..  She had finally learned how to ride!!!  I asked Geoff, ” What did you teach her to finally make her get it?”  He said, “Nothing, its like she finally decided that she  wanted to do it, and she just got on it, wobbled a little and then took off!”  We were so proud of her.

After Shaylee called all her grandmas to tell them her big accomplishment, and the kids were at last in bed,  Geoff and I  were still talking about Shaylee’s triumph. I said, “Its amazing to me, that she just decided she wanted to do it, and then did it! I get so frustrated with her sometimes, because I KNOW she could do so many things that she thinks she can’t do if she just did it. She is so more able than she knows.”   The second those words came out of my mouth, I heard God whisper to my soul, ” THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU!”  Wow! And surprise, surprise, He is right.

My daughter has been afraid of falling off her bike, and that fear prevented her from even trying.  I never realized it, but I do the same thing in so many different ways in my own life.  I get ideas of things I could do, make, or write and then I over rationalize them in my head, and always lead  myself to the conclusion, that it would be a waste of time to even start or try.   How frustrated God must be when He knows that He made me special, and gave me talents and gifts that I don’t use because of my own fears of failure and rejection.  Just like Shaylee, I tell myself, “I can’t” before I even pedal a complete rotation.   He’s frustrated not because I am failing Him, but because I am not experiencing the freedom and exhilaration  of zooming down the street on two wheels  that He wants me to enjoy so badly.. (the same feelings I had with my own daughter!)

I truly believe that God doesn’t give us gifts for His pleasure but for ours. When we give our own child  gifts.. aren’t we giving the gift to make him or her happy?  When we don’t use the gifts God gives us, we are missing out on the joy God wants for our lives.  I don’t know about you, but I certainly want to tap into all the joy God has to give me. I don’t want my fears and over rationalizations to hold me back anymore.  I am ready to start taking off my training wheels, are you?

I felt like I just couldn’t hang with the Drill Sergeant and his cronies.. I just thought I didn’t have the spiritual guns to sit in a corner and pray all day every day non stop like I imagined they wanted me to do.  So, I declared myself  a “Bad Pray-er.”   I have never been a person that could deliver a goose bump giving, bible verse quoting, get the angels bending public prayer… I usually say “umm,” and “like” a lot in any aloud prayer I pray.  And then ,we got my old bully telling me that if I am not praying unceasingly and always .. then I am just not cutting it.. .. GREAT.
Well…  one day I had a revelation about my prayer life.. The way that I pray is okay and I am actually pretty good at it!!!! (Take that Drill Sergeant!)  I am not an inferior spiritual loser after all! The bible says to pray continually ,okay.. it was Webster’s definition that really sounded harsh.. but continually.. like I continually brush my teeth,  I continually drink water… I continually shop the Macy’s one day sale.. etc..  If I can continually do all those things.. then I can and DO continually pray.. and I was already doing it without even thinking about it ( kind of like breathing). I have a relationship with God… and I talk to Him, like I would talk to any other friend of mine… If I see something that I think is cool.. In my mind, I say, “Hey, God, thanks for that, its awesome!”  if I feel like I am going to loose my temper.. I say, “Oh no, God.. I am going to loose it..” If I cant find my glasses.. I say, “Please, God can you help me find  them, I’ve looked everywhere…”  anyway what I am trying to say is.. the way that I pray  is sometimes a few sentences here and there many many many times a day… instead of many many many sentences all at one or two times a day.. and that’s okay… there are other times when I pray.. that I have long drawn out conversations with God, or sometimes I even just write out a letter…   Praying is talking to God… Talk to God like you would talk to your best friend… it doesn’t have to be super structured, it doesn’t have to be any certain way. What it has to be is yours ( and God’s of course)
Often I have a hard time letting my spirituality be MINE. I compare myself too often with what other people do, and how they do it.. Like my husband Geoff, can deliver the most heart felt beautiful public prayers.. so I  let myself believe I am a bad pray–er because I couldn’t do half as well as he does…. but the truth is we are just different.. and contrary to what sooo many christian self help nonfiction books tell you… there really is no right way or wrong way or magic formula for prayer… It’s just talking, communicating, and sharing your life with God… and how ever you do that.. whether its at a specific time of day… or at random moments through out the day.. its good to Him.. He just likes to hear from us… continually

I am mad at myself for being this way… over the last year or so  I have lost  around 50 pounds.. I have gone from wearing a “sometimes 14… but sometimes 16..”  to a “most of the time 6… and very random 4″   That is amazing!  I really never thought I could wear anything smaller than a 10!  Seriously 29 year old me makes 18 year old me look bad… and that’s pretty good.   However, despite my accomplishments  I still find myself battling with self bashing and being held hostage by the mirror.

Don’t get me wrong.. there are days that I feel HOT.  On those days the mirror is my friend and instead of pretending to be the pregnant southerner… I am a young coed practicing for her test shoot for Playboy,  or maybe a Top Model hopeful “smizing’ for Tyra Banks.   I like those days…. haha.. so does my husband.

I wonder if the war between Hot days and Fat days will go on forever… sometimes I think it will.  Its hard to have a healthy sense of self beauty in this world.  Media attacks celebrities for being fat all the time… some who are perfectly normal.. like Jessica Simpson for instance and her infamous mom jeans picture.  Jessica told Oprah in an interview that those jeans were a size 4, and the biggest size she ever wore was a 6!  When girlfriends gather to chat.. the topic of loosing weight and needing to diet almost always pops up… whether the need is really there or not.

I  do love my new body.. shopping is so much more fun now that I can pretty much wear anything I want, and I get to choose what I like and not just what fits and hides me.  But I am TERRIFIED of gaining weight back… this may be the reason that now as much as ever I scrutinize every ripple on my skin in the mirror… judging whether or not it is bigger than it was yesterday.   I  AM A PRETTY MESSED UP WOMAN!

Its time for me to end the war with Fat Days.   They come, hormones bring them on, emotions bring them on, too much drinking brings them on… WHATEVER.  I am vowing that they will  loose their power with me.  No more stealing my confidence, no more  self hate talk, no more feeling like a fat pregnant southern girl.    I am so done with that!    Don’t let fat days rule your life either…  its time to feel HOT ladies… embrace your hottness!

Years in our marriage went by.  Many things changed, like becoming parents.  Infatuation faded but love grew,  we got older and matured.  About a year ago, (year 9 of our marriage)  I realized that if I didn’t get out of the house with out my kids and even without my husband every once in a while my head was going to pop off with a geyser of steamy water gushing out of it .  Over the years,  my identity became “the wife of Geoff,” and “the mom of  Shaylee and Will.”   I had lost DEVYN.   I had lost the girl that my husband had fallen in love with in the first place.    I wanted her back.

Now, this is not the sole step I took to unearth my true self from piles and piles of bills, dirty diapers, job losses, negative people.. and all the other things in adult life that tend to blow out our little sparks.   But, I do think it was a significant step.  It was simple… I had to get out with a good GIRL friend again… if only for a few hours every week.    I started a weekly ritual of having a simple girls’night– sometimes just going for coffee or shopping, nothing extravagant–.   My “night off” is what it became.   Looking forward to my night off, helped me keep calm and my emotions stable for the other 6 nights a week.   Spending time away from my family as a whole, even made me love them more,  missing people really makes you appreciate them!   My relationships with friends grew as well, we all need friends.  There were years when Geoff and I’s only friends were each other (not so healthy for a marriage.)

I feel like today, I am the happiest I have ever been.  I am more in Love with my Husband (and he with me) than I have ever been.  I am more in love with my family and life in general.  And I am more in Love with ME.   We mom’s really need to remember that WE are important.  We need time off to be who we are.  Our husband’s want those girls they fell in love with, and our kids need a mom who isn’t seconds away from mommy meltdown.   I encourage you all to take a night off once a week, reconnect with yourself and with your girls!  And if, by chance, you are a husband reading this–  give your lady a night off– you will be glad you did!