I am a confident woman.  I have an amazing life filled with amazing people ( I don’t have an amazing net worth.. but money really isn’t that important in the scheme of things.)   I have what so many women wished they had.  I am lucky.  I am not saying all this because my back needs a good patting, I am just trying to figure out why  despite all the things I have and all the characteristics I possess then why the heck do I get so jealous, so often????

This is the most annoying thing about my personality.   I am not even for sure you can call it jealousy.  I don’t get mad when other people get new shiny cars, I drive my beat up 103k miles  PT cruiser that I found on Craigslist for $3K with pride.  I don’t covet the big new 5 bedroom 4 bath houses  of my friends… I actually like my cozy 1971 split level despite its tiny closets and one bath.     Hmmm… maybe its not jealousy.

I  tend to feel hurt or left out in random situations that I am not a part of! Haha! Does that even make sense?   Okay so that first sentence “I am a confident woman!”  I guess.. maybe that is not accurate.   When I feel “jealous,”  its because my friend went shopping with someone else… and I think to myself,  “why didn’t she want to go shopping with me?”  Oh I feel like slapping myself as I wrote that!  Its pathetic and ridiculous.   I never actually say I feel this way aloud.  I know I am ridiculous for feeling that way,  I know that people are free to hang out with whoever they’d like.. and if its not me at a particular time or place.. it doesn’t mean they don’t like me.   Seriously, this is something you would expect a 15 year old to struggle with.   I guess, it comes down to always wondering if people like me, and worrying too much what they think of me… BARF! I hate that!

I could probably go and pay someone $75 per hour, and they would tell me it is a self esteem issue stemming from my dysfunctional childhood.  I  struggled with fillings that  I did not fully belong with either of my divorced parents,  and to say I went through a few traumatic experiences as a kid is an understatement.  Or, maybe its abandonment issues from my dad suddenly wanting nothing to do with me when I was 12.   But I don’t want to make any excuses.  I just want to kick this bad mental habit to the curb.

Confessing my weakness is the first step, right?   So there you go.. a small insight to one of my (many) issues!   I am glad my brain tells me that my emotions are crazy!